Things I have heard lately 

Things that I have heard lately that have left an impression (Dent) on my soul. I have been stumbling around a bit as of late, you know, low energy, low ambition, a bit aimless. It is not over, but it is abating. I am seeing light again. For those in the know, Mister Churchills black dog is beginning to wag its tail.  

• So, what soul lifting words did I hear? 

To become an artist, you should first learn to draw.  

To be an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. 

I can draw badly. So, I am doing some urban sketching for a new hobby. I have some pencils, some sketch pads, a few paints and a few brushes. I have a new bag to carry everything in and a great thermos coffee mug that keeps the coffee warm. I can’t draw worth a golly gosh darn and I am a bad artist. I might be back in the winner’s seat! 

I have been searching for my purpose in life for some time now and I am starting to realize that I may not have one big purpose; maybe my work in the mental health field was my purpose and it is finished now. Maybe I still have a few little ones, like keeping myself amused. 

• My next little gem is: 

Going for a walk will always take more energy than laying on the couch! 

Yeah, I know that! I understand the implication here, it is simple, I have to get up off my butt and do the things I want/must do. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. I am a great ditherer; I play Sudoku, and I contemplate things.  

“Oh I think I will do this, right after I do that, mind you I should be doing this other thing, ouuu, a 7 goes there.” 

• Next: 

You will always feel good making your mommy happy! 

My mom would be pleased with me, but there is always more that I could do. My home is not as clean as she would have liked. 

“What do you mean you hate housework, you’ve never tried!” 

Yes mom, and I should spend more time with my relatives, and I can help out with … 

Mom’s words guiding me on what I should and should not do, leading me to a life of servitude, emptying my brain of any personal wisdom and embracing my maternal spirit guide. I love my mom, but that is just not going to happen. It does claw at me and can leave me with an abundance of guilt and sadness, she has been gone for some time now. I am 65 years old, I should be free of all parental bounds, but they are still there. 

This next one made me cry, I didn’t write it, but I could have. 

• I always wanted to be normal.  I kept speaking of this to myself.  I have finally learned, in my older age, that I am normal and always have been.  No one ever really told me I was normal; I wish someone had.  If I had known(/believed) that I was normal, I could have done a better job of living! 

It is true, that when I was born, I did not have all the information that I would be needing this lifetime. Much of my information/wisdom, I have had to garner on my own. We can all think of things that we could have done better, things we would like to have changed. Though the words make me sad, I comfort myself in that I can call myself normal, just one of the peep’s now. And I am happy with that knowledge. 

• Are you ready for more, okay: 

“Adam, finish your apple.”  It was important because, if he had not finished it, we might still be in that fucking garden. 

It is good to be safe and sure about everything, no need to want for anything. To have our every need met, to be in the garden. Just ask any rock. 

I was never meant to be in Eden, and I have no desire to visit it. 

• I am not done yet: 

Who told you that Humpty Dumpty was an egg? 

I have had some rock-solid knowledge ever since I was young; my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all assured me I was on the right track, I was going to win for sure. Now that I am wise, I understand that sometimes people accept information without question, it came from a reliable source, and it is not really that important so why spend time to check it out 

This is a lesson I learn more and more as I age, Look up Humpty Dumpty on the web if you want to know. 

• Final thought: 

Look at retirement as end-of-life care. 

Well kick me right square in the … ouch, and I think panic city is the outskirts of hell. End of life care! There is a bit of truth here, and it shocked me to the bone. Shocked as I am, this line has focused me more than any other so far. I have a very low resting heart rate; I will most likely receive a pacemaker someday (but not today). I am sensing an uncertain amount of fear. I am feeling mortal again! 

So many thoughts, I am not sure where to go, but I do find that making my own coloring book, then coloring the pictures, is helping.